I was jogging a couple of weeks ago and realized how good it felt to actually keep myself within reasonable limits. I stopped to stretch when I need to and plodded along my route at a (very) modest pace. Continually forcing myself to stick to a steady per mile rhythm I realized why I had never been able to excel at endurance before this.
I have felt too strong to not try and too weak to succeed and the reality is that I was neither. Instead of giving myself the time and patience to slowly build myself up one brick at a time, I rushed through everything. It wasn’t good enough to be in college and enjoy the time there—I had to graduate as soon as possible. It wasn’t good enough to have a job I liked—I had to be the boss. It wasn’t good enough to be a size 6—I wanted a size 0. I mapped out my own failures by setting goals that never satisfied me. I didn’t enjoy the journey—I didn’t revel in the victory. I accomplished (when I was able) and it left me wanting more, always searching for the next angle. I did this because I felt failure was inevitable and I even wanted to get to that over with as soon as possible… When I did fail, my mind stopped trying because I had reached the endpoint I had always believed was an eventuality. Unknowingly, I had made failure my goal.
So that day a couple of weeks ago, I just ran. Not for the person on my left or right and not because I needed to be faster or stronger or thinner, but because I had said I would. My ultimate goal, the ½ marathon, is a motivation but for the first time it feels good to live in every run, every mile, or during the hard days, every step.
Learning to accept my own limitations and somehow discovering within that my limitlessness is a long, slow exhale after years of holding my breath. It is a belief that I can have mastery over something that seems really difficult to me. The mastery does not have to be the grind I felt every goal should or must entail but is rooted in the beauty of simplicity. The sharp smack—smack of one foot right after another, eyes on the horizon, and the simple joy and power of taking every step.
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2 comments:
Excellent perspective. Keep slapping the rubber to the pavement while putting your brain in its happy place. I'll be honored to follow along.
This is a great post! So much of this sport is about mental toughness and about figuring out it's really just all about you. Not the other people in the race, not the people watching, just you and your own personal improvements and progress.
You are also making me think I should start posting on my own sad, neglected blog.
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